New Iran pres denies '79 hostage role.

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, recently elected president of Iran by a clear majority of eligible fanatics in the Holy City of Teheran; the Holy City of Esfahan; the Holy City of Qom; the Holy City of Tabriz; the Holy City of Chabahar; the Holy Villages of Bam, Gonabad, and Yazd; the Holy Hamlets of Kazan, Yasuj, and Dezful; and the Holy Duty Free Port of Bandar Abbas, has come under fire for his alleged role in the takeover of the American Embassy in 1979.

“No way would I have been involved with something like that,” he said through an interpreter. “I was just delivering pizza to the Marine guards when the humus hit the cuspidor.”

“Oh, sure, I was nursing one or two grievances against the United States just like every other unemployed graduate of the religious schools. Here I was able to recite the Koran backwards and forwards but where were the good paying jobs for me as a programmer, engineer, or doctor? Quite honestly, if it weren’t for the Crusades, resurgent Zionism, Ronald Reagan, and Inside-the-Beltway, neoconservative revanchism, I would be a practicing gynecologist right now.”

Mr. Ahmadinejad proudly wheeled his personal 1980 “Infidel Eliminator” scooter into the press conference. “It’s a good thing I finally own my own scooter now so I can still deliver pizzas and provide for my family after my term as president is over.”

“I don’t know where people get the idea I was into torture and international assassinations.” said Mr. Ahmadinejad.

“What?! I’m some kind of animal?”