"Offend the Colonel" Contest

The Colonel has long marveled at the inability of the Left and minorities of various hue or heritage to deal honestly with the slightest deviation from their preferred public policies, boodle air drops, or allocation or reduction of special privileges. Nor does the debasement of public discourse on any issue surprise the Colonel any more.

Running through the sewer of public discourse these days is the constant tidal wave of whiners being "dismayed" or "offended" at some particular instance of someone telling the God's own truth about race relations, the lumpenproletariat, the enemies of the United States and the pressing need to kill them, immigration, bilingualism, effective administration of elections, or constitutional law.

An intelligent person makes some perfectly sensible observation of American life backed up by credible facts and instead of addressing the merits of the observation, the debate veers off into the brambles of how some thin-skinned cretin "feels" or might "feel" about the argument rather than focusing whether the observation is true or not.

The whole thing about searching out things to be offended by is a complete hoax and a deliberate obfuscation of the necessary, and often sloppy, search for truth (of which, we are, galactically speaking, the source).

To highlight this obfuscatory intention the Colonel hereby declares that he will pay $100 to each and every person who can deliberately and with malice aforethought (which may be the only forethought some people are capable of) offend . . . the . . . Colonel.

Admittedly the Colonel will be the judge of whether anyone has succeeded in offending him but he is an honest man, even if of dubious heritage, and actual offense achieved will be honestly reported and rewarded.

For the record, the Colonel has his genetic origins in England and Bavaria and it would be accurate to describe him as a "white man." He is a citizen of the U.S.A. and thinks that the civilization that grew up in Europe and certain parts of North America (with very little contributory enrichment by the Colonel but for the occasional camel joke) is vastly superior to any culture most anywhere else in the world.

The Colonel has no particular religious affiliation but is an admirer of certain aspects of Christianity and Buddhism mixed in with an amorphous and not particularly coherent devotion to hedonism and asceticism. Nor will The Colonel pass up any opporutnity to attend religious ceremonies involving (1) naked pagan priestesses leaping over bonfires and (2) consumption of beverages whose manufacture has occasioned very little in the way of federal tax revenue.

Got that?

By way fo further helpful explication of his religious sensibilities, the Colonel helpfully points out that he thinks it is unbelievably cool to march through the streets and lash oneself with knives attached to chains. That is an indication of a very serious religion indeed and we certainly hope contestants don't stray too close to that sensitive topic. But it's only fair that we reveal our actual attitudinal and emotional weak points.

The Colonel further thinks the United States are pretty amazing, notwithstanding the destructive inroads of socialism, low-rent racial politics, feminism, betrayal of the Constitution by the Supreme Court, and a traitorous intellectual class unable to distinguish between its own home base (with defects) and sundry third world sewer systems (without much in the way of good points other than "authenticity" or flamingos).

No points are awardable and no money will be paid for any attacks on the Colonel based upon detailed knowledge of the Colonel's actual character defects or personal transgressions (numberless as the sands of the sea though they may be). The Colonel's actual personal merit, or lack thereof, is irrelevant. You must attempt to offend the Colonel by reference to his group characteristics or his being a descendant of other members of his group(s) who perpetrated some massacre, achieved intellectual and technological dominance over others, discovered Indiana, or committed other similar despicable acts.

Referring to the Colonel as "an offay, honkey descendant of slave masters" would qualify, although it would not result in payment to the submitter because we don't know what "offay" or "honkey" mean. We admit "descendant of slavemaster" stings some but we are still not offended by it.

Actually, any insult leveled at the Colonel will qualify, so long as it doesn't proceed from knowledge of the Colonel's actual sins.

The following are other examples of what would be qualifying, though losing entries. We will add to this list as contestants submit their entries:

• Americans are imperialist dogs.
• White people are lazy pigs.
• White people are all Crusaders at heart.
• Dead, white European-origin males are the scourge of humanity.
• You and your countrymen are killers and idiots.
• Europeans stole algebra from Arabs.
• Americans are loud, loose, and low life.
• You are a capitalist swine.
• The only thing world class about western civlization is the degree to which it encourages greed and exploitation of others.
• Your people can't dance or jump.
• Mohammed contributed more to the advancement of mankind when he ate one breakfast than all the scientists and healers of Europe did in ten centuries of endeavor.

So, seek personal enrichment and please, please, leave comments to OFFEND THE COLONEL.

Be really, really insensitive!